The word "wait" takes on
many different forms. You can wait for your food. You can wait for
a call from that new job you've applied for. You might even wait in line
for the bathroom (HURRY!) But the word "wait" has taken on a
new meaning for Brittany and myself over the last couple of years.
After we got married we would throw
out baby names for our future children...the brilliant kids they are to be.
We even had a running list that Brittany kept on her iPhone. Before
we even decided to begin "growing" our family, we must have had 10-15
baby names, both male and female. While driving home from a vacation
together, the name Selah popped into my head. I had seen the word Selah
in the Bible, but was not sure of it's meaning. Let's just say...I now
know what Selah "means".
Fast forward to March of this year,
Brittany went for a routine check-up with her OB/GYN. Little did we know
that it would be the day that changed our lives forever. The ultrasound
technician pointed to the screen and said, "This is your baby."
Of course, this took Brittany by surprise and the tears starting falling.
We were already almost 7 weeks pregnant. She quickly called me at
work to tell me the good news and the only response I could muster on my end of
the phone was, "Hallelujah!" I do remember looking down at the
new shoes I was wearing and thinking, "Well, these are the last 'new'
shoes you're gonna have for good while."
We had about 4 weeks of complete
bliss. Brittany's OB sends all of her patients over to a specialist for a
first trimester screening so at the 12 week mark we nervously headed to the
specialist's office. The ultrasound took what felt like hours and we could
hardly stand waiting in that dark room and looking at a little blob on a little
screen. I couldn't make heads or tails of hardly anything on the screen.
I guess that's why you need a specialist.
After about an hour of silently
staring at an ultrasound screen, the doctor informed us that the baby was still
a little small to see everything, but that it looked like there was some
abnormality around the lower spine area. Of course we asked what this
could mean and he informed us that worse case scenario it could be spina
bifida. Just in case you're not aware, spina bifida is an open neural
tube defect, which is basically a hole in the spine. This hole can cause
many problems including, but not limited to: paralysis, uncontrollable bladder,
mental handicaps, and clubbed feet.
For the next three weeks, we took
two more trips to the doctor, prayed a thousand times, and cried at least a
hundred. Without going into too many details, we made the decision to
visit a different OB/GYN, which as it would be, was right next door to our
current one. Dr. Brannon, an incredibly awesome man of God became our new
doctor, but most importantly, our friend. As a strong Christian, Dr.
Brannon gave us very sound advice and comfort all at the same time. He
recommended a second opinion on the diagnosis of spina bifida and sent us to
another specialist that he sometimes refers patients to in these situations.
Our new specialist and his team did
another ultrasound and confirmed our worst fears. Our baby (we also found
out at this appointment that she was a SHE) did have spina bifida. The
world seemed to be crashing down around us. Many things go through your
mind when faced with such a life-altering situation. Of course we shed
many more tears and prayed many more prayers, but eventually we had to face the
reality that our little girl had a very significant chance of having many
handicaps and challenges throughout her life and that we had to make the most
of it.
Since the final diagnosis and much
thought and prayer on the subject, I have come to the conclusion that life is
about more than whether you walk to your classroom on your first day of school
or whether you ride in a wheelchair to your classroom on your first day of
school. I have realized that everyone has some issue that they have to
walk through...some situation that may change everything about their life.
But our rock and steadfast hope is in the Lord.
After reading the report from the
specialist, Dr. Brannon recommended we seek the help of UNC Hospital who
specializes in open neural tube defects. So we made the appointment and
headed to the hospital a couple weeks later. As part of the UNC program,
we went through genetics counseling and then another ultrasound. We met
Dr. Goodnight and many of the fine people that would be helping us throughout
this process. After the ultrasound, we met with Dr. Goodnight in his
office to discuss what they found. When we walked into the room, we had
no idea the news that was about to smack us right in the face.
Dr. Goodnight explained that the
spina bifida was much worse than the original reports suspected. The
lesion was higher on the spine than other doctors thought. To quickly
explain...the higher up on the spine that the lesion is, the worse the
prognosis. He told us that our little girl would probably never walk.
He also told us that they suspected some type of chromosomal disorder as
well. The news continued to get worse. Eventually, he told us that
the baby's amniotic fluid was extremely low and this was a fatal diagnosis.
Low amniotic fluid indicates a
problem in the development of the kidneys and/or the bladder. Both her
kidneys and bladder were not showing up on the ultrasound either because the
fluid is too low to see them or because they are not working or because they
have not developed at all. As a result of the low fluid, the baby's lungs will
not develop enough for her to breathe on her own. Many babies that have
this diagnosis are stillborn and the majority of the rest live just a few
hours. Finally, Dr. Goodnight told us that he did not ever expect us to
bring our baby home from the hospital.
As you can imagine, the following
days have been very tough. We had begun to understand more about spina
bifida and were preparing to take it head on when our baby got here.
Taking in this news took another toll on us, but we believe that the Lord
was preparing us for this news weeks before when we endured the news of the
original diagnosis. Bad days seem to come and go, but one thing that is
constant is the strength that the Lord continues to give us as we walk through
this.
We are praying continuously for a
miracle and will continue to do so until our baby gets here. We know that
the Lord has a plan through all of this, but it is hard to know what that plan
is when you are living in something that is this real and devastating. We
continue to get encouragement and prayers from our friends and church family,
but we feel that there is a deeper meaning in all of this and so we have
decided to share it with everyone.
God gave me the name Selah almost
two years ago and we now know why. The word "Selah" means to
wait, to pause, and to praise the Lord. Selah will be the name of our
little girl because we have spent a tremendous amount of agonizingly waiting to
see what the Lord will do in this situation. We have also continued to
praise God through all of this because no matter what happens, He is deserving
of our praise.
Please pray for Selah and us as we
continue to walk through this tough season in our lives. We will continue
to update everyone through this blog so please stay tuned...
